


Lover

by my_mad_fatuation



Series: Loner [5]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 07:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12127758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Rae and Finn crash Bex's party, and Rae must deal with the consequences.





	Lover

“I don’t know if crashing Bex’s party is such a good idea,” said Finn, trying to reach his book back from Rae’s grasp, though she wasn’t giving it up.

“Technically, you were invited, so you wouldn’t be crashing,” she said. “And, no, it isn’t a good idea.” She was still smiling.

“Why do you even want to go?” he asked. “We haven’t seen each other in weeks, and you’d rather go to some sadistic girl’s party?”

“ _Together_.”

“And what’s your plan, exactly, if we do go?”

“I figure that my presence alone will be enough to cause a shitstorm,” she said, tossing his book up onto the bed so he would stop reaching for it.

“Which will accomplish what?”

“Anarchy in the UK, baby.”

***

After a bit of persuasion, Rae managed to convince Finn to go to the party with her. It was being held in some old warehouse type of thing just outside of town, and there was a bouncer at the door, along with a line of people waiting to get in. (How Bex had pulled this off, Rae would never know.)

A few of the people waiting stared at Rae as she approached, but looked away quickly before she could even try to talk to them. Clearly they were surprised to see her there, but still feared that talking to her would get them kicked out.

The line moved fairly quickly, though some people were getting turned away. Presumably because they didn’t know the password.

“Password?” the bouncer asked Finn and Rae when they reached him.

Rae looked at Finn who seemed to be incapable of saying it, so she answered for him. “Manatee,” she said, rolling her eyes.

The bouncer frowned at her for a second and took his phone out of his pocket. He texted something and then looked back at them. “You can go in.”

Rae and Finn exchanged glances before heading inside.

It was already a few degrees warmer inside than out, as there were so many people dancing around, with loud music and strobe lights. It was nothing like the parties Rae was used to.

People kept looking at her as she walked past but avoided eye contact, just like they’d been doing for the past couple of weeks. She was almost used to it by now.

“Hey, look,” she said, tapping Finn on the arm as she pointed across the room. “It’s Chloe. Perhaps we should pay her a little _visit_.”

“Some girl over in the other direction is waving at you, by the way,” he said as she dragged him towards her ex-friend.

She stopped to see where he was looking and spotted her. Bex. Smiling and waving, like she’d been expecting her.

“Shit!” said Rae, turning back around to pretend like she hadn’t just seen her nemesis. “She knew we were coming! That’s why she invited you, because she knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to crash her stupid party!”

“So?” said Finn.

“So, it’s obviously a trap!” she said. “If she isn’t pissed as hell to see me here, then she has something worse planned for me.”

“What could she possible do that’s worse than having everyone ostracize you?”

“You’ll see soon enough.”

“Rae!” said Bex when she reached Rae and Finn. “Is this your boyfriend?”

Rae faced Bex, scowling. “Yes. You invited him, didn’t you?”

“True, but I don’t recall inviting you, manatee.” Bex smiled sweetly.

“And yet you aren’t surprised to see me at all.” Rae gave her an equally fake smile.

“Not really. I mean, how could you miss the biggest party in Lincolnshire?” said Bex. “It’s all people will be talking about for months!”

“Glad I could make it, then.”

“Me too.”

“I’m Finn, by the way,” Finn said, though he didn’t offer to shake her hand.

“I figured as much,” she said, eyeing him with distaste.

“Thanks for the invitation,” he said through his teeth. He was determined to be the better person in this scenario, as much as he already hated this girl. “It’s a very nice party.”

“Oh, it’s about to get a whole lot better,” said Bex. “In just a few—”

Finn felt his phone go off in his pocket, which he was going to ignore, except he noticed that everyone else around him was checking their phones as well.

“Oop, I guess it came early,” Bex added cheerfully.

Rae could guess what _it_ was. “I suppose you’re used to that, though, being with Shane,” she said.

Bex no longer looked amused. “You might want to check your phone, Finn.”

“No!” Rae added quickly. “Just delete whatever message you got without opening it. It’s not worth it.”

“That’s okay,” said Bex. “I’m pretty sure I got the same message. Let me just see.” She pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her designer jeans. She gasped in fake surprise when she looked at it.

“Oh my god, who would send such a thing?” she said as she held up the phone to show them what was on the screen.

Rae grabbed it from her hand before Finn could get a good look, but he managed to see enough to get the point.

“What is going on?” he asked. “How did you get that picture?”

“What do you mean?” Bex asked innocently. “Some unknown number sent it to me, just like everyone else.”

“It was obviously Shane,” said Rae as she deleted the message from Bex’s phone. “He probably bought a burner just to send the photo to everyone and then destroyed it.”

“But how did he get the photo in the first place?” said Finn, concerned.

“I sent it to him.”

“You what?”

“It was a year and a half ago, when we were still dating,” she said. “And he told me he deleted them when we broke up, but apparently he lied about that. Shocking.”

“Why would you ever send him a photo like that?”

“I told you, we were dating and—”

“You’ve been dating me for almost a year and never sent me anything like that!”

“Wait, are you jealous?”

“Of course I’m not jealous! I just mean that you don’t automatically have to send naked pictures of yourself to whoever you date!”

“I’m wearing underwear in the pictures—”

“That’s not my point!”

“Well, I’m clearly not needed here,” said Bex. “So I’ll just take my phone and let you two hash this out. Good luck!” She grabbed her phone from Rae and headed back the way she came.

“Wait a second,” Rae said to Finn, choosing to ignore Bex. “Are you actually more upset that I sent my then-boyfriend sexy pictures than you are that he and my sworn enemy have distributed these pictures to everyone at the school?”

“I’m equally upset, all right?” He looked around the room and could see that people were staring at them, though he wasn’t sure if it was because they were yelling or because they’d all seen the photo. “Can we just get out of here?”

“Yes, but this discussion isn’t over.”

As he was beginning to feel anxious about everyone watching them, Finn grabbed Rae’s hand and marched her outside and towards his dad’s car, which he had borrowed for the evening.

“You have to understand,” said Rae once she’d gotten into the passenger seat, “that what I did was just a stupid 16-year-old mistake; what they’re doing is intended to hurt me. That’s so much worse, Finn.”

“You don’t seem very surprised by it, though,” he said, starting the car.

“Well, she threatened me with the photos before.”

“She what?”

“She told me if she saw me at another party, then everyone would see the photos.”

“So you knew this was going to happen when you came tonight?” he asked incredulously.

“No, I thought I had the drop on her. It wasn’t until I realized it was a trap that I figured it all out,” she said.

“Still, why would you risk showing up when you knew she was holding something against you?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell anyone that she was blackmailing you?”

“Who would I tell?”

“Me, first of all! And then maybe the police!”

“Shane’s dad is on the police force; he’s always getting him out of trouble.”

“Well, you have to tell the police now,” he said seriously.

“There’s no point,” she said. “The evidence will have been destroyed by now.”

“You could at least try!”

“The only thing I can do now is hide until this blows over.”

“So you’re just going to let them get away with this?”

“Pretty much.”

“Rae, I… I can’t believe this,” he said. “Why would you let this happen?”

“You think this is _my_ fault?”

“Well, you’re the one who sent the photos in the first place! And you provoked Bex when you knew what she was capable of doing!”

“So I made some mistakes, okay? That doesn’t mean I _let_ this happen!”

Finn scowled as he continued driving but didn’t say anything until they reached Rae’s house. “I still think you should go to the police,” he said.

“I told you, that’s not going to help,” she replied as she unfastened her seatbelt.

“If you’re not going to try and fix this, then I can’t talk to you right now,” he added. “I might say something I regret.”

“Finn—”

“Please, just go.”

“Fine,” she said in a huff, opening the car door. “Call me when you get over yourself, and we’ll see if I feel like talking to you then.”

***

Finn was still angry at Rae for not being more angry about the photos and not telling the police, but he tried calling her after a couple of days, because he couldn’t go that long without talking to her.

She, however, didn’t feel like talking to him yet, so she ignored all his calls and texts and emails until he finally got a clue and stopped sending them.

He decided to return to Amsterdam midweek so he could have some time alone—his roommate would still be in France until the weekend so Finn would have the whole room to himself for a few days.

He used the opportunity to catch up on readings for school, organize his closet, and wash his new higher thread-count sheets he’d bought recently. His side of the room was so clean it was practically sparkling in comparison to Spencer’s side. He was almost bored enough that he considered cleaning the other half of the room, too, but decided that would be too weird.

Being by himself was nice for a while, but it was starting to get a bit dull.

***

It was mid-afternoon on Saturday when Finn finally heard back from Rae. It was a text message that read, _“Go outside.”_

 _“Why?”_ he replied, thinking that it was a weird thing for her to send him out of nowhere.

_“Just trust me.”_

He got his shoes and jacket on and grabbed his keys off his desk before heading out of his room and downstairs to the front door of the building. He didn’t know where outside he was supposed to go, though, but when he go out the front door, he understood why she’d sent the message.

“Hey, stranger,” said Rae, who was standing on the sidewalk in front of his building with her knapsack slung over her shoulder, nearly bursting from all the stuff crammed inside. She looked like a kid running away from home.

“What—What are you…?” Finn began, unable to finish a sentence.

“I couldn’t stand the way we’d left things,” she said, taking a step towards him. “So I decided to fly out and see you; I didn’t want to make up over the phone.”

“You should have told me, I would have met you at the airport,” he said as he took a step towards her as well.

“But then we would have had to make up over the phone.” She smiled a little, like she was teasing him.

“I could have stayed mad until you got here, if you wanted,” he teased back.

“I’ll remember that for next time.”

He looked at her and shook his head before taking a few long strides towards her so he could wrap her in a hug. “I missed you,” he said, burying his face in her shoulder.

“I missed you, too,” she said. She knew there was more she should have said. She should have apologized, for one thing. Apologized for getting so angry with him that she froze him out for nearly a week, when he definitely did not deserve it. But she didn’t know how to say it without sounding completely stupid.

He knew he should have apologized, too, for getting so upset with her about something that was ultimately out of her control. Bex and Shane could have sent those photos at any time and for any reason, if they wanted to; it wasn’t Rae’s fault for going to the party. And he could understand why she might not want to involve the police, especially if one of them was Shane’s father.

He was just happy to have her here.

“Come on,” he said as he pulled away. He held onto her hand and led her towards the door. “I’ll show you my room.”

***

“Wow, it’s more spacious in here than I was expecting,” said Rae when Finn opened the door to his room and let her in.

“Yeah, the rooms here are pretty good,” he said as they kicked off their shoes and hooked their jackets on the back of the door.

“Which side is yours?” she asked, looking at each of the beds.

He pointed to one of them and she went over to drop her bag next to it. “I still can’t believe you’re here,” he said. “How did you even—”

“You don’t want to know,” she said as she held up her hand to stop him. “I’m here, and that’s all that matters, right?”

“But your mum knows you’re here, right?”

“I called her when I landed. Not much she could do to stop me once I was already here, right?”

“Aren’t you going to be in a lot of trouble?” he asked

“What’s she going to do? Ground me?” she said. “I already have no social life back home.”

“I’m glad you’re here, you know.”

“And I’m glad to hear it.”

He walked towards her and put his hands on her hips. “The past week was pretty terrible, not even being able to talk to you.”

“Well, we can talk now,” she said, putting her arms around his neck.

But Finn didn’t feel much like talking now. All he wanted to do was kiss her, but it had been over seven weeks since he’d done it and he felt like he’d forgotten how.

Rae could sense his uneasiness, and was feeling a little of that herself. Seven weeks and two major fights loomed over them. She had to do something about that.

Before she could make her move, however, he gathered up all his nerve and just kissed her. As it turned out, he hadn’t forgotten how. And it seemed even better than usual. Perhaps absence did make the heart grow fonder.

She squeezed him closer as he ran his hands up and down her back. The fabric of her shirt bunched up around her waist until one of his hands accidentally slid underneath it, surprising them both, but he didn’t move it away. He didn’t want to let go of her ever again.

The feeling of his hand on her back, touching her so gingerly, sent shivers up her spine. She stopped to lift her shirt off over her head, since it was just getting in the way.

When he took his hands off her, she worried for a moment that she’d misunderstood what was happening until he started to pull off his outer shirt as well. He let it fall to the floor as he pushed forward against her, backing her up to the edge of the bed.

She grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and helped him lift it over his head, too, before pulling him by the arm as she crawled backwards onto the bed. He climbed on top of her, and she let her knees fall open to either side of him.

Trailing her hand down his bare chest, she slipped it under the waistband of his jeans. He resisted the impulse to recoil and instead let himself enjoy it. He was ready. It was going to happen.

Almost.

“Shit!” said Finn, sitting up quickly when he heard a key in the door. He frantically tried to get his shirt back on while Rae folded her arms across her chest.

“Whoa, sorry, buddy,” Spencer said when he walked in and saw them. He covered his eyes with his hand as he wheeled his suitcase into the room.

Finn picked up Rae’s shirt off the floor and handed it to her. “I didn’t realize you were coming back today,” he said to his roommate.

“I didn’t realize you’d be back yet, either,” said Spencer, turning away from them so he could lower his arm. “And I assume this is your fake girlfriend?”

“What?” said Rae, looking at Finn questioningly.

“Joke,” he said as he shook his head at her. “We’re decent now, though,” he said to Spencer, “so you can stop facing the wall like that.”

Spencer turned around once they were dressed again, and he and Rae introduced themselves to one another. Finn was no good at mediating these types of interactions, and they both seemed aware of that.

“I’ve heard… so little about you,” said Spencer as he shook Rae’s hand.

“I’ve heard enough about you,” she replied offhandedly.

“Yikes, that sounds bad,” he said, letting go of her.

She laughed a little. “Well, you did try and kiss my boyfriend…”

Spencer looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Right, well, you know, that was before I knew you existed, so—”

“Relax,” she said. “I know it was just a mistake; I’m only teasing you. Besides,” she added, pinching Finn on the cheek, “how can anyone resist this cute little face?”

“Well, if this isn’t sufficiently embarrassing,” he said, pushing her hand away. She laughed again and ruffled his hair.

“Aw, aren’t you two disgusting?” Spencer said, clasping his hands together with fake enthusiasm. “Anyway, I told Amélie I’d meet her downstairs once I dropped off my bag and we’d go get coffee—but you guys are welcome to join us.”

“I think we’re—” Finn began, but Rae interrupted before he could finish.

“That sounds great,” she said as she stood up.

“I’ll see you downstairs in a minute, then,” said Spencer before heading back out the door.

Finn grabbed Rae’s arm to keep her from going to get her shoes. “What was that for?” he asked.

“What was what for?”

“Why did you agree to go with them?”

“Cause I want to get to know your friends,” she said. “Besides, I’m only here one night; I’d like to see something of Amsterdam besides your room.”

“I thought you came just to see me,” he said.

She smiled condescendingly at him and pulled him to his feet. “And why would I do that?”

***

“So why did you really come here?” Finn asked quietly, leaning over the table towards Rae while Spencer and Amélie went to order more drinks.

“Your roommate invited us,” said Rae, confused.

“I mean, did you really come all the way to Amsterdam just to make up with me?”

“Is that not a good enough reason?”

“I’d prefer the truth,” he said.

“That is the truth.”

“Really? So you aren’t hiding?”

“From what?” she asked, though she knew what he meant.

And he looked at her like he knew that she knew what he meant.

“Okay, okay,” she said. “I haven’t been back to school since the incident.”

“But you’re going back Monday, right?”

“Not if I just stay here forever…”

“Rae…” he said patronizingly. “You know you can’t do that, right?”

“I know, but wouldn’t it be nice if I could?” she whined.

“Just focus on your classes,” he suggested. “Go back and study and think about where you want to go next year, and ignore everyone else. They don’t exist, all right?”

“Like it’s so easy to tune people out like that,” she said.

“I used to do it all the time.”

“Right. I guess it’s my turn to be unpopular, then.”

***

Finn walked Rae to the train—which would take her to the airport—the next day, and she flew home where her mother started in on her before she was through the door.

Grounded, of course, and no access to the television for a month—as if Rae ever used the television unless she was exceptionally bored anyway. She was to remain in her room except for school and meal times, which suited her just fine. It wasn’t as though she had a lineup of people waiting to hang out with her.

Or so she thought.

“Morning, Rae,” said one girl as Rae walked into the school on Monday.

“How’s it going, Rae?” said another.

“Alright, Rae?” said one of the football lads, giving her a high five.

All morning long, people were being friendly to her again, and she had no idea why.

When she got to her now-usual lunch table, she was surprised to find Chloe sitting there instead of with her new BFF, Bex.

“Don’t tell me she’s claimed this table as well,” said Rae when she stood in front of her former friend.

“Who?” said Chloe.

“Don’t act stupid, you know who.”

“I’m not here for her, I’m here for you,” she said.

“There’s a first,” said Rae as she took a seat.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just that I can count on you by my side when I’m popular, but the minute someone decides I’m persona non grata, you’re gone.”

“It’s not like that—”

“That’s how it looks to me!” she said loudly. “I mean, I don’t know why people are suddenly talking to me again, but—”

“I’m the reason you’re popular again, Rae!” Chloe cut in.

“Excuse me?”

“I… I started this rumour that you were the one who sent everyone the photo, in order to overshadow Bex’s party,” she explained. “I thought it was the only way to get people to respect you again.”

“By saying that I sent them all personal photographs on purpose?” said Rae in disbelief.

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” said Chloe. “People couldn’t stop talking about what a ballsy move it was, and then ditching school for a week and running off to Amsterdam to be with your university boyfriend, well that just upped your cool points by a huge percentage.”

“How did you know I went to Amsterdam?”

“You did? I just told people that’s where you were.”

“How does all of this make me cool, exactly?”

“Don’t you see?” said Chloe. “To send a photo like that without giving a you-know-what is the ultimate cool. And then when you didn’t show up at school, it was like you didn’t even care about soaking in the glory of your achievement. Also cool.”

“That’s crap!”

“It’s the way the system works, Rae. I was just trying to use it to your advantage.”

“I thought people were supposed to like me because I was nice to them, but this is all bullshit,” said Rae, standing up again.

She turned to leave just as Izzy was approaching the table.

“Where’re you going?” she asked Rae.

“Away.”

***

Rae spent her lunch period in the library, where the only people around were introverts who wouldn’t bother her, and made a point not to interact with anyone for the rest of the day, even though people kept talking at her.

***

“You were right all along,” Rae said to Finn during their nightly call that evening.

“Of course I was right,” he replied. “Wait, about what?”

“You had the right idea being a loner; people suck,” she said.

“Are they still giving you the cold shoulder?”

“No, everyone’s talking to me. They all think I’m _cool_ again.”

“Really?” he asked, not meaning to sound so surprised. “I mean, of course they do, you deserve it.”

“No, I really don’t,” she said. “They only like me because they think I sent out that photo myself. None of them actually give a shit about _me_.”

“I thought people liked you because you were friendly,” he said.

“That’s what I thought! But if they really liked me for me then they wouldn’t have all cut me out just to go to a party,” she said. “And they would be concerned about me sending out naked pictures of myself; they wouldn’t think it was cool!”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Well,” she said, pausing for effect, “if I’m suddenly so popular again, then, to quote Rizzo, I’m ‘gonna rule the school.’”

“To quote who?”

“Watch a movie, bud.”

***

Rae walked into school the next day with her head held high, giving each person who greeted her a curt nod as she breezed past them.

She kept her shades on to hide the bags under her eyes that she wanted people to think were due to excessive drinking, and not because she stayed up late making Finn watch _Grease_ with her. With her leather jacket and slick leggings, she felt very “Bad Sandy” at the moment, though, and she liked it.

She sat at the back of the classroom, where one of the girls asked if Rae would come to her birthday party.

“Uh, no,” said Rae, feigning complete disinterest. While the truth was that she was grounded and unable to go to any parties for the foreseeable future, she wanted people to think that she thought she was too cool for them.

She felt a little guilty, though, talking to another person like that. She wasn’t sure how people like Stacey and Bex did it all day long.

It was about time she had a little chat with Bex, anyhow…

Rae made her way over to her old table at lunchtime, where Bex was sitting with her friends. One of them tapped her on the shoulder to turn and look at Rae, approaching them.

Bex immediately got up out of her seat to stand, but even so, Rae still towered over her.

“I think you’re at my table,” said Rae, looking at her through her shades.

The other girls started to pack up their things to move, but Bex raised her hand to stop them. “I thought I made it clear that this was my table now,” she said to Rae.

Rae pretended to think for a minute. “I have no recollection of this.”

“I thought that elephants never forget,” said Bex.

“You know, you talk an awful big game for someone whose party just got completely overshadowed by pictures of a fat girl,” Rae replied. “The only reason anyone talks about your party now is when they’re telling someone where they were when they got the photo.”

Bex opened her mouth to respond, but Rae took a step closer and continued speaking.

“Besides, there’s nothing you can do to stop me now,” she said. “You played your hand and lost. Move on.”

Bex looked around like she was trying to think of something to say in return, to argue, but came up short. “Fine, have your stupid table,” she said, picking up her bag off the bench in a huff. “Come on, girls, lets go,” she added to her tablemates.

Rae had won. She’d defeated her adversary. And she found it very unfulfilling.

“You know what,” she said as the girls started to stand again. “Keep it. I couldn’t care less about this table, honestly. And I couldn’t care less about you.”

***

“Hi, Rae!” _Fake_.

“How’s it going, Rae?” _Phony._

“Good to see ya, Rae.” _Insincere._

Rae stopped passing out nods to the people who greeted her and instead ignored them. She began to realize that she could treat people like shit, and they would still adore her, just because she was “cool.” But their adoration was not genuine. None of them knew her.

She felt used, retroactively, for all this time that she’d been in the limelight. People didn’t want to _hang out with her_ , they wanted to _be seen hanging out with her_. It had always been that way, she just hadn’t realized it. She thought she was different from Stacey—from Bex—but she wasn’t.

No, she wasn’t as manipulative and selfish, but it wouldn’t have made a difference if she were. People would still be fawning all over her.

The realization made her stomach hurt. Because she liked people. She actually liked them. Pretty much all of them, with a few notable exceptions. It wasn’t fair.

***

“I’m really lonely,” Rae whispered to Finn as she cradled the phone to her ear, curled up in her bed.

“I miss you, too,” he said quietly, only because she was talking quietly. His roommate wasn’t around at the moment.

“That’s not what I meant,” she said. “I mean, yes, I miss you, but I miss everyone right now. I feel like my world has just disappeared beneath my feet and I’m floating all alone in space.”

“I’ll float with you,” he said. “That actually sounds nice. Assuming we’re properly equipped so that we don’t suffocate or explode or anything.”

“I’m not in the mood for jokes,” she said, though she was smiling a little. Why couldn’t everything be like this? Like talking to Finn.

“I wish I was there to comfort you right now,” he added seriously. “You don’t deserve to feel this way.”

“Maybe I do deserve it, for being such an idiot.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I really thought—” She stopped as she was beginning to get choked up. “I mean, I don’t even have any friends.”

“I’m your friend,” said Finn.

She laughed sadly. “You’re not my friend, you’re my _lover_.”

“Theoretically.”

Rae smiled half-heartedly into her pillow. “I can’t wait until next year when I’ll be at uni and won’t have to deal with this shit anymore.”

“You’ll only have to deal with lectures and seminars and huge essays,” he said, glancing over towards his desk where his computer was waiting for him to finish one such essay right now.

“That sounds preferable,” she said.

“Oh, it is. I wouldn’t trade anything to go back to that hellhole.”

“Not even to see me?”

“I’ll see you soon; the holiday break is coming up.”

“That’s over a month away!” she whined.

“You’ll be busy _ruling the school_ , anyway,” he said. “It’s going to fly by.”

***

Finn was right. The next month for Rae was a blur of disingenuous greetings in the corridors and rejected party invites. (Even though her grounding was over, she still didn’t go out at all.)

She read a lot of books, and wore her earphones all the time, and started doing better in her classes. Finn must have really rubbed off on her, in a manner of speaking.

Izzy and Chloe were the only people who showed any signs of concern for her behaviour. Everyone else just thought she had reached the ultimate level of not-giving-a-fuck coolness. And maybe she had, for she had not a single fuck left to give.

All that mattered was this. Finn was home.

She had an exam the Friday when his train got in, so she couldn’t meet him at the station, but she headed straight to his house afterwards, and he hugged her before she could even get through the door.

She finally felt like she was home, too. Home in his arms.

She kissed him without saying a word. They didn’t have to talk right now—they’d talked enough the past few months. They’d talked about this moment enough, when they would see each other again. They had a plan.

They figured they would be nervous after so long, like they had been last time, so they were going to read silently together until they acclimatized. Then they would play cards until Rae got tired of losing and Finn would make them dinner—his dad was working that evening so they’d have to fend for themselves with whatever was in the house.

That was the plan.

The plan didn’t involve her thrusting him up against the wall as soon as the door was shut behind her, though. And it didn’t involve him grabbing at her back like his life depended on it.

Rae dropped her bag before Finn pushed her jacket off her shoulders, letting both fall to the floor. He pressed himself forward against her until she bumped into the side table, rattling the bowl where Finn kept his keys. She pushed back against him, and they veered towards the staircase.

They didn’t have to talk right now.

She held onto his hand as she led him up the stairs to his room and he kicked the door shut behind them, taking her in his arms.

They didn’t have to talk right now.

They stumbled towards the bed, nearly tripping over each other’s feet, and he started to empty his pockets onto the nightstand so that his phone wouldn’t fall out. He pulled his phone out of one pocket and his wallet out of the other, though with his wallet came flying out a small square packet, which he picked up, figuring he might need it after all. (Spencer had given it to him before he left, saying, “I’ve got your back, buddy.”)

Rae was curious where he’d gotten it, but didn’t ask. They didn’t need to talk right now.

They began fumbling to get their clothes off as they climbed onto the bed, over the covers. Had they been thinking it through more carefully, they may have decided to undress before getting in the bed—it’s rather difficult to take off one’s jeans when one is lying on one’s back underneath another person—but they managed. Finn handed Rae the small packet without saying a word.

They didn’t need to talk right now.

They were saying enough already.

***

Even though the term was over for Finn, Rae still had another week of school before her holiday break began. But she’d decided something that weekend, that magical weekend.

She’d tried being a Stacey at school—fake and rude—and she’d tried being a Finn—isolated and standoffish—but neither felt right to her. So, she thought, she was going to try being herself again.

She was going to be nice to people, even when they were fake to her. Not because she wanted them to like her for real, but because it was the right thing to do. If she couldn’t be a Stacey or a Finn, then she was just going to be a Rae.

Nothing was different at school. The only thing that changed was her attitude. People were still giving her what she thought were disingenuous greetings in the halls, but she chose not to let that bother her. Instead, she decided to believe they were being sincere, and returned that sincerity to them. She wasn’t lying to herself, she was just choosing to live in a world where people were ultimately good.

She even smiled at Bex whenever she saw her in passing—and not a sarcastic smirk, but a real smile. It seemed to throw Bex completely off, which was slightly amusing. But it didn’t matter.

All that mattered was that, at the end of the day, she would be cuddled against Finn’s side. Even when he went back to university after the break, she would still curl up with the phone by her ear and imagine that she could feel him breathing next to her.

“How many days until your next term break?” she asked him some time after the holidays.

“Thirty-seven,” he replied with a wistful sigh, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t start obsessing over the stains on his ceiling again.

“I don’t know if I can wait thirty-seven days,” she teased.

“Who says we have to?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, no one else is here right now, so…” he said suggestively, only half-joking.

“Finn Nelson, why I never!” she said with a really bad fake accent. “You’ve become insatiable since you took my purity!”

“I think you were the one who took my purity, remember?” he said. “Besides, usually I’m plenty sated, it’s just that talking to you makes me think about doing other things with you…”

“Finn Nelson!”

“I mean like playing Go Fish!” he added, even though they both knew that’s not what he meant.

“Yeah, well, playing Solitaire over the phone isn’t the same,” she said. “But I guess it’s better than no card games at all, right?”

He chewed on the inside of his lip to keep from smiling, even though no one was around to see him. “Why I never!” he said, mimicking her terrible accent.

“There’re a lot of things you’ve never done before I came along, Nelson,” she said. “And a whole lot more ahead of you.”

“I can’t even imagine,” he said, almost muttering.

“Just you wait, loverboy.”


End file.
